It’s stupid really. You know those moments when you’re intellectual, emotionless, brain-self tells you one thing, but the heart tells you another. Normally it’s ok. Normally I’m strong and tough and pushing forward and looking at the blessings and truly believing that God will take this and make something beautiful of it all. Then I do what T knows not to do and I look at Facebook which is normally ok, but some of her friends are my friends and one has a new car.
Her friend is a great kid and a smart kid and she absolutely deserves that new car. I’m happy for her, but it’s a weak moment when my heart is screaming loud enough that the emotionless part can’t make sense of it and walks away and now I sit like a puddle of jello wishing for cures that don’t exist, a redo button to try to undo an illness that came from nowhere, and a time machine to go back and make the future she was headed for and find the path she was blazing just 18 months ago.
Eighteen months seem like a lifetime ago and as much as she’s doing “ok,” these are the moments when I realize how much she’s lost to POTS. She’s so strong that she allows me to forget that she’s supposed to be living a different life right now. When I see her friends living a different life, there’s just a twinge… may be more sadness than jealousy, but I’m only human. The latter is there too, living it up, having a party.
I know that Brain will step in and tell me the blessings again, but at this moment, I am just very sad for my girl. Time keeps going. Prom, graduation, senior trips that she won’t take. The day she’ll have to reject the universities that accepted her and resign to reapply next year… if she’s well enough.
The pity party won’t stay… may be we haven’t mourned enough. I think we’ve been pushing for so long that we haven’t allowed ourselves those moments. It’s been long enough without change or improvement.
Ok… pity party over… sort of.
Praying for answers and cures that come sooner rather than later so that this can be one amazing journey of resilience and recovery and moving on and finding that path once again.